Love of the Loved
by pulling-the-puzzles-apart
Summary: AU after S4 Christmas: Burt and Blaine are visiting Kurt for Christmas in NY when Burt tells Blaine that "Kurt needs to know. Cancer isn't just something you can hide." Kurt overhears this and asks what they're talking about. Burt, seeing Blaine look uncomfortable, tells Kurt that he has prostate cancer. What Kurt doesn't know is that Burt was lying; Blaine's the one with cancer.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N**: Hi guys! I'm starting several stories but not sure which ones to abandon or develop. I only have time to develop one of them into a multi-chapter so I'll let you decide! The most popular story will be written a chapter a week. I will develop each one if people are interested, it just might take a while. 60 hours a week teaching gets a little tiring!

**Note for this story**: This is from an anonymous post on blangstpromptoftheday on tumblr, prompt 321 and post: 42186835509.

**Warnings: **Discussion of cancer.

* * *

"Who's winning?" Kurt asked, feigning interest as he approached the sofa where Blaine and Burt were sitting after their fill of Christmas food.

"Celtics," Burt and Blaine said simultaneously.

Kurt couldn't be more disinterested but as he put a napkin on his father's knee and pretended to eagerly watch the television in front of him, Blaine was nervously watching the time.

"Ok, I trade," Kurt said, sitting back in the sofa and grabbing his Vogue.

Moans escaped Blaine's mouth as he started to fish out his money.

"Pay up Anderson," Burt said, laughing, "You may have dated him, but I raised him, I know my son."

"Oh, you couldn't have toughed it out for a few more seconds Kurt," Blaine said, pretending to be annoyed but laughing whilst Kurt continued to read. Kurt didn't know what the fuss was about; they both knew he hated sports. Kurt loved scarves.

"So," Burt continued, nudging Blaine on the knee in a fatherly way, which always made Blaine feel like he belonged to the family. His own family, cold and unapproachable, were the complete opposite of this gruff but loving man, who despite the fact that Blaine had hurt his son, still ate Christmas dinner with him, still laughed and watched football. "Graduating? Plans for the future?" he asked.

Blaine looked suddenly worried. He hadn't spoken to Kurt but plans for the future seemed stupid now. He knew what he wanted to do but the idea it might not happen seemed more and more plausible.

"Well I haven't talked about this with Kurt and I wouldn't do anything to make him feel uncomfortable but I was thinking of applying to NYADA." Blaine couldn't look at Kurt – his dream seemed so far away. "Would that be ok?"

Kurt nodded at the news, "I think that'll be great," he said smiling but suddenly biting his lip in concern at the expression on Blaine's face. Blaine simply turned back to the television and tried to watch the game.

Kurt soon went to the kitchen to finish dinner, leaving Burt and Blaine to continue watching the game. He listened to Christmas music on his iPod as he wove around the kitchen, dancing and twirling, safe in the knowledge that Burt and Blaine were engrossed in the game and wouldn't turn around.

"You know you need to tell him, right?" Burt suddenly whispered.

Blaine looked up at Burt, knowing exactly what he was talking about. He shook his head; he couldn't have this conversation here. Burt had rung Blaine a few days ago to arrange the flight. When Blaine had answered Burt could only hear Blaine struggling to breathe down the phone, unable to control his emotions and Burt had driven to see him soon after. After a coffee with Blaine's ashen-faced parents, it had transpired that Blaine had found out some bad news.

"Kurt needs to know. Cancer isn't just something you can hide," Burt said.

"What? What are you talking about?" Kurt asks, choosing this time to remove his headphones and come quickly to the sofa. "What are you talking about?" Kurt's voice had gone higher, an elevated pitch indicating his panic and his eyes wide he looked from Burt to Blaine, who were both open-mouthed. "Please someone say something."

Burt looked to Blaine, who shook his head imperceptibly, then back to Kurt and sighed, resigned to the lie he knew he was going to have to tell, if only to bide Blaine some time.

"Maybe you should sit down, kid," Burt said kindly and as Kurt did so he looked half annoyed that he was being patronised but was so desperate to know what they had been talking about, he let it slide. "I have prostate cancer, Kurt," Burt said and Blaine gasped quietly next to him. He couldn't believe he had told such a lie to his own son but he knew then what a great man Burt was, willing to do this for him. He looked carefully at Kurt to gauge his reaction.

"I feel like I'm going to be sick," Kurt said, looking down and picking at an invisible piece of thread on his pants.

"Hey, do I look like a guy that's dying? They caught it early, I'm sure I'll be fine."

"For healthy people dad," Kurt said sounding annoyed, "You've had a heart attack."

"Well that's why I have check-ups twice a year," Burt said, looking at Blaine who had gone white.

Kurt didn't know what to say but after a while he repeatedly asked questions about Burt's future treatment, which Burt coped with admirably and soon dinner had to be served. The Christmas meal was relatively quiet, no one really wanting to say anything, all deep in thoughts of the future. Blaine knew he should have told Kurt as soon as the lie was out of Burt's mouth but he had felt such relief he had only wanted to maintain the façade. He knew it was cruel but this would bide him some time while he sorted things out. Maybe Kurt need never know.

They watched Christmas movies after dinner and Burt soon went to bed, explaining he was tired and looking at Blaine pointedly as he departed. Blaine gulped painfully as Kurt snuggled further into the sofa so they could finish watching 'It's a Wonderful Life', which always made Kurt cry. He wouldn't want to admit it to Blaine, but he knew that Kurt missed the affection, the simple touching that came with a relationship and Blaine crept closer and closer to Kurt as the movie went on, hoping they might fall asleep together, curled up on the sofa. After a while, Kurt's head fell on Blaine's shoulder and Blaine smiled, loving Kurt being there. If he could always have this Blaine would be happy.

Thinking that Kurt was asleep, he quietly turned off the film as the ending credits rolled on but Kurt soon sat upright and looked straight at Blaine.

"What am I going to do Blaine?" he whispered, sitting crossed legged on the sofa. He looked like such a lost boy, with tears pooling in his eyes, Blaine wanted to hug him close and never let him go and if he could remove all the evil in the world just for Kurt he would.

"I'm sorry Kurt," Blaine said, not knowing what else to say.

"I can't lose my dad, I'd have no one."

"You're not going to lose him, he'll be fine – he's a fighter."

"But what if I do?" Kurt looked up, wide eyed and so innocent. He expected Blaine to have the answers.

"You'll always have me, I hope."

"You hope?" Kurt cocked an eyebrow, looking confused and Blaine swallowed painfully again. This was it.

"Burt wasn't honest with you earlier, Kurt, he lied."

"He doesn't have cancer?"

"No he doesn't, I…"

"Oh my gosh, really? I can't believe it!" Kurt got up suddenly, leapt off the sofa in happiness and smiled widely, and then realisation dawned on his face.

"Wait… why did he lie?" He sat back down.

"He wanted to give me some time I think. I didn't ask him to lie, I really didn't, he just did."

"Why Blaine?" Kurt whispered.

Blaine couldn't speak. He knew things were still difficult between them, knew that Kurt would need time to forgive him but he wanted him so badly, needed him there. He had danced around the ice rink earlier, determined to make it an evening to remember for Kurt, to remind him of the good times but things were so far from good. Blaine couldn't burst that bubble of goodness.

"Blaine?"

"I have cancer," he whispered, barely there, barely breathing.

"What? I don't understand…"

Blaine said nothing.

"Blaine speak to me…" Kurt sounded desperate.

Blaine couldn't look at him, he was so embarrassed, "I had pains in my left side and went to the doctor who did all the checks and found the lump," he continued on, looking down at his hands and wringing them. "I've had loads of scans and they'll let me know if it's spread."

"Oh god Blaine…"

* * *

**A/N**: Let me know what you think. I'm starting several stories and probably only have time to develop one of them so if this is popular it could be this one!


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N**: Thanks for all the pleas, reviews and follows/faves! This story won but I also really wanted to continue 'Another Love' so I'll write both! The title of this fic is a song by The Beatles. The treatment explained in this chapter is based on UK healthcare so I'm sorry for any mistakes but I assume it would be the same in America.

**Warnings for discussion of cancer and its treatment. This is quite a personal subject for me as I'm sure it is for many of you, so I will strive to write about it delicately.**

* * *

If Kurt had felt ecstatic joy at hearing the news his father didn't have cancer after all, he was brought terribly low after hearing Blaine had it instead. He couldn't believe it, said nothing and looked deliberately down at his hands.

"I don't understand Blaine," he finally whispered, still desperately looking at his hands. "You're so young."

"This type of cancer is quite common in men our age Kurt, it affects men under forty mainly," Blaine said clearly. He had always felt that knowledge made you stronger and since finding out, he had researched and read all the leaflets he could find in the hospital. He had read things on the internet but had quickly decided that online chat forums were perhaps not the best to go to for advice just yet.

"I still don't understand, where is the cancer?" Kurt said, blinking so the tears that were pooling in his eyes would quickly disappear. He didn't want Blaine to see him cry over this, he would need him to be strong.

"The lump is in an embarrassing place Kurt," Blaine said, looking down, refusing to meet Kurt's gaze. "Please don't make me say it."

"Down there," Kurt said, pointing to Blaine's crotch and Blaine nodded, going bright red. Kurt's mouth did a silent O and he said no more about it.

"You need to tell me what the treatment is and what they've said Blaine," Kurt said, sitting up and giving his best straight-backed pose. Blaine thought briefly that he looked really powerful in that position and he nodded, seeing the control going to Kurt and a feeling of relief flooded his chest.

"I need to go to surgery for it to be removed," Blaine said.

"And then?"

"I've had scans and blood tests so they'll be able to tell me whether it's spread."

"Spread? Where?"

"With that kind of cancer it could go to the lungs and lymph nodes but worst case it could be the brain and liver."

Kurt sat back on the sofa.

"Fuck Blaine," he whispered and Blaine would have been shocked at hearing the swear come out of Kurt's normally polite mouth but he knew the situation warranted it. "This is too much."

"I know, I'm sorry," Blaine said, sitting up and coming closer to Kurt. "I don't expect you to worry about it Kurt." Kurt's eyes widened. "I mean I hope you might worry but I don't want you to think that I expect anything from you. I mean we're not together and I know what I did messed us up and…." Blaine's words ceased when he felt the gentle fingers on his hand.

"Blaine," Kurt said quietly but with a hint of steely determination behind his words. "I never want you to say that again." Blaine looked at him in surprise. "Never ask me to be there, never assume I won't be there, just know that I will be."

"You will?" Blaine asked quietly. He looked so small and alone that Kurt could only hug him close and never let go.

"I'll always be there Blaine," he said muffled into his hair, "Never doubt that." Kurt breathed him in and Blaine clung closer as if his life depended on it. He knew it would be tough and though his parents had surprised him with their practical care and love, he knew he would need Kurt to help him get through this. He smiled the first smile since he had told Kurt the truth.

"Let's go to bed," Kurt said getting up and stretching his hand out for Blaine to take. Blaine accepted it and let himself be led to Rachel's bed where he was to spend the night. He stood by the bed that had been lovingly made by Rachel who had no idea what he was going through. He stared at it like he couldn't bring himself to get ready for bed alone and without a word, Kurt started to unbutton Blaine's cardigan and he eased it off his tired shoulders.

"Thank you," Blaine whispered, the fear that his voice would break and he would start to cry at Kurt's kind gesture, was evident in his face as he struggled for control. Kurt continued to undress Blaine slowly until he was only in his underwear and he handed Blaine his pyjamas from the overnight carrier he had brought with him. Once changed, Kurt led him to bed and Blaine got in and let himself be tucked under the covers. Kurt dipped his head lower so his lips barely brushed Blaine's forehead then he turned to leave Blaine in peace. Blaine took his wrist.

"Kurt," Blaine whispered. Kurt looked back, Blaine's tired face awash with gratitude.

"Thank you," Blaine said, "I know I'll need you so much in the next few weeks and I…."

"Stop Blaine," Kurt said kindly, "Don't keep thanking me, I'm just doing my job and you have no idea how much I hate that you have to go through this at all." Blaine nodded in understanding.

"Do you think you could stay here tonight?" Blaine asked, barely spoken.

"In Rachel's bed?" Kurt asked, a little disgusted at the thought. He knew what went on in that bed. Blaine nodded. Kurt quickly changed and slunk in under the covers, Blaine making loads of room for him.

"I may have eaten quite a bit for Christmas dinner Blaine, but I don't need that much room," Kurt chided, "Come here, silly." He opened his arms wide and Blaine cuddled close, tucking his head in between Kurt's neck and shoulder. Kurt loved his hugs normally, public displays of affection not really his kind of thing but cuddling in bed or in private was his one weakness. Blaine loved to envelop Kurt in his arms and keep him close but since they had broken up they had rarely hugged. The significance of the reversal of position, where Kurt was hugging Blaine close was not lost on either Kurt or Blaine and it only caused Blaine to come closer, his mouth grazing along Kurt's exposed collarbone.

"I'm scared Kurt," he whispered, his voice muffled.

"I know my love," Kurt said, clutching him closer and kissing the top of his head, tears instantly filling his eyes that his strong and courageous Blaine was reduced to worry and fear.

"But I'm here."

* * *

Blaine was so exhausted from the emotional rollercoaster during the day that he was nearly asleep straight away in Kurt's arms but Kurt took several hours to drift towards sleep. Worry, fear for the future and thoughts of possible treatment were constantly going through Kurt's head and the unknown was slowly driving him a little mad. He finally went to sleep in the early hours of the morning with Blaine fiercely hugged close to his chest.

Blaine woke first in the morning and carefully extricated his body from Kurt's embrace. As he left, Kurt seemed to sense that Blaine had disappeared and looked like he was about to wake up to question his departure but he rolled slightly and took the pillow closer to him; believing it was Blaine he went back to sleep.

"Good morning," Burt said as soon as he saw Blaine pad over to the kitchen area. "Sleep ok?"

Burt was nursing a coffee as Blaine entered but upon seeing the younger man, he got up and made him a similar drink.

"Not too bad, after a while," he stared into the proffered coffee cup breathing in its warmth and smell, hoping it would impart strength. He sighed. "I told Kurt the truth."

"So he knows you have cancer and that I'm ok?"

Blaine nodded.

"You slept in the same bed as Kurt?" Burt asked, taking in Blaine's messed curly hair and Blaine nodded slowly, worry evident on his face. He knew he had still hurt Kurt and didn't want Burt to think he was expecting his relationship to return to normal.

"Blaine, I think you're forgetting that bet we made yesterday," he said smiling sadly. "I thought I'd proved that I knew my son better than you. I knew he'd look after you once you told him. I know he will be there through all of this with you. I just wish he didn't have to."

"So do I," Blaine said sadly, looking at his coffee hoping it had all the answers.

"Hey, I wish neither of you had to go through this. It'll be tough on you but I know you'll get through it." Burt said, touching Blaine's hand gently, "If there's one person that will show you the love and compassion you need to get through this, than it's Kurt. Trust me, he takes after his mother, I should know."

"Thank you for lying yesterday," Blaine said after a while, "I shouldn't have let the lie continue for so long though."

"Well I hope Kurt understands," Burt said, "It was quite an emotional rollercoaster for him yesterday wasn't it?"

"He was so happy when I told him you were ok, you should have seen the pure joy on his face. Then I had to let him down, I had to tell him the truth about me."

"Blaine everyone needs someone to go through this with them, no one should go it alone," Burt said. "You shouldn't feel guilty for this."

Blaine nodded.

"I just don't understand how I can feel ok and have this disease, these rogue cells working their way through my body. It just doesn't make sense," Blaine said.

"Well that's bound to mean it hasn't spread," Burt said, smiling hopefully. Blaine didn't feel that optimistic but for Burt he could try to match his smile and let hope creep in too.

* * *

Kurt woke an hour later, the ruse of the pillow no longer convincing when it began to sink smaller in Kurt's tight embrace.

"You should have woken me," Kurt grumbled when he slowly padded into the living room to find Blaine and Burt struggling to make pancakes.

"I thought you might want your sleep," Blaine said and he took a seat, allowing Kurt his rightful place in the kitchen and enjoying watching Kurt take over.

"I will never understand how a grown man can get pancakes wrong," Kurt said chiding his dad, "Here, you do this." He gave him the maple syrup and Burt was relegated to setting the table. Blaine and Burt allowed Kurt to take control in silence. Blaine watched as Kurt started to flip the pancakes, his back straight and his jaw tensed and nothing was said until they all sat round the table about to eat the pancakes doused in syrup. No one really had any appetite but it seemed that Kurt expected them to eat, so both Blaine and Burt tried their best.

"Kurt? You ok?" Burt finally said when the tension grew to be too much.

Kurt looked sternly at his dad and Blaine almost flinched in expectation of what was to come.

"I can't believe you did that Dad," he said, "You said you had cancer, you lied?"

The disappointment was so evident on Kurt's face that Blaine instantly felt sorry for Burt and how he must be feeling.

"I'm sorry Kurt, I have no defence. I shouldn't have done that, I'm sorry for the worry I caused."

"Really Dad? That's it?" Kurt shook his head and pushed another bit of pancake to the other side of his plate.

"Kurt, wait…" Blaine started, "It wasn't his fault. When he rang me before we travelled here, I asked him not to tell you and when you overheard us, Burt was just giving me some time. I shouldn't have let the lie carry on once he said. He was just trying to let me off the hook."

"But I thought you had cancer Dad!" he shouted, finally giving up the pretence that he was eating his pancakes. "After all the health scares we've had over the years, you thought it would be ok to lie about this?"

Kurt moved to the living room area to show he couldn't even look at his Dad just yet.

Burt continued to say nothing.

"Please Kurt," Blaine continued, coming closer but though he wanted to reach out to Kurt, to make it better, he couldn't touch him. "If you want to blame someone, blame me, don't blame your Dad. I know what he did was sucky but I couldn't have been more grateful when he did it. He gave me time to think about how I was going to talk to you about it. I know it was a dumb idea but I couldn't face it. I didn't want to spoil Christmas."

Kurt looked at his father, still at the kitchen table staring at his half eaten pancakes, then back to Blaine whose face was full of need and worry. Kurt sighed, the energy used to argue seemed to dissipate around his shoulders and he sunk to the sofa.

"Finding out either one of you had cancer would always have ruined Christmas," he said quietly, "It doesn't matter who has it, the worry is the same, the horror, the sadness – all the same." A lone tear worked its way down Kurt's pale face.

"I really am sorry Kurt," Burt said, finally coming to sit next to Kurt on the sofa. Kurt nodded in acceptance.

"Let's just forget it Dad," Kurt said with quiet resignation. In the grand scheme of things where cancer existed and life was short, it didn't matter.

"Why don't we catch a show before both Blaine and I have to go back to Lima?" Burt said, trying to lighten the mood. Kurt tried to smile but his eyes still glistened.

"Let's not think about it anymore," Burt said, getting up and taking Kurt up with him, bringing him into a fierce hug. Kurt hadn't ever clung to someone so tightly before, the need for the protective arms of his father so overwhelming, more tears were squeezed out of his eyes and Blaine couldn't watch. He turned to return to Kurt's bedroom to change until he was stopped.

"Where do you think you're going?" Burt called over Kurt's shoulder and Kurt moved backwards to allow him to open his arms to include Blaine.

The sight of Burt standing there with open arms, one circling Kurt and keeping him close, the other so inviting and warm, made a lump appear in Blaine's throat. He could never understand how affection could be so easily given, how even after Blaine had hurt Kurt he was still allowed in, still welcome. It seemed Burt's love was never to be broken and it included all. Blaine came forward and allowed Burt's arm to come round him, reeling him, clutching him closer and Blaine took all the strength he could possibly glean from them both and thought he just might be able to make it through after all.


	3. Chapter 3

The show had been fantastic and walking back to Kurt's apartment was chilly but both Blaine and Kurt were wrapped up and felt the warmth that only affection brings. Burt carried on talking whilst Blaine and Kurt listened, speaking of the show and how much he had grown as a father in the last few years. His reprise of Single Ladies was mentioned with laughter and Blaine almost forgot that he was to return to Lima the following day in time for his surgery this week.

"I think a hot chocolate is in order, don't you?" Burt said, mentioning it was another Hummel tradition. Soon they sat at the bar of the café with tall hot chocolates, the frothy cream spiralled on top and they carefully removed some with their finger, taking in the comfortable silence, each deep in their own thoughts.

"I'm coming home with you tomorrow too," Kurt said, breaking the peace.

"What about your school work?" Burt said.

"Gosh Dad, do you really think that matters now?"

"It does, it will always matter," Burt said. Blaine stayed deliberately quiet, his own need for Kurt to return to Lima caused a clutching at his heart, filling it with such hope he couldn't voice his opinion without sounding desperate.

"Dad you know how stubborn I can get, you don't want to push me on this."

"Your education comes first Kurt, I think Blaine would agree with me here." Burt looked to Blaine with such a hopeful expression, which quickly turned to sadness when he saw the desperation in Blaine's eyes.

"Ok," Burt said. He looked liked he was finally admitting defeat.

"Look Dad I'll only stay for Blaine's surgery and then I'll see what happens. There are some things that are just more important than education."

Burt nodded solemnly.

Kurt gave Blaine a quiet smile as Blaine struggled to regain control over his emotion. The need for Kurt to come back, to support him through this was so overwhelming he knew if he tried to speak his gratitude he would cry. Burt seemed to understand too and his expression softened as he changed topic by raising his hot chocolate.

"Here's to us," Burt said, "Family."

They all clinked mugs, a lone tear finally escaping Blaine's eye as he smiled to be included in their family.

* * *

The flight home was full of tension, Burt desperately trying to turn the subject to anything but cancer whilst Blaine and Kurt were clinging to those thoughts that made them feel morose and miserable. Blaine's surgery was to be tomorrow and Kurt had so many questions that he knew wouldn't be answered until afterwards. The lack of control and knowledge seemed to be driving him mad as he fiddled with the hem of his shirt, looking out the window at Ohio below.

Burt had parked at the airport and drove Blaine back home, Kurt insisting that he see Blaine's parents and ask if he could come tomorrow. Clarissa was surprised to see them all at the door.

"Thank you for taking Blaine to New York, Mr Hummel," she said as they sat to drink tea.

"Please, call me Burt," he said smiling sweetly, "And it was worth it to see Kurt's face light up at the ice rink."

Clarissa smiled. She had always liked Kurt and seeing Blaine in love had been so sweet that she couldn't share the same opinion as her husband. Two men could easily love each other and although she knew the couple had trouble this year, not knowing what Blaine had done, she remained optimistic that they would sort it out soon.

"Where's Dad?" Blaine asked after a while.

"At the office." Clarissa said, "He wants to make sure he can come to the hospital tomorrow and not have to worry about work."

"About that…." Blaine began, "I know it'll be a lot of people but I wondered if Kurt could come too?"  
Clarissa looked at Kurt and smiled. She had assumed he would come too and it just proved to her what a big heart Kurt had.

"Of course," she said, "How long do you have off college Kurt?"

"As long as Blaine needs me," he stated confidently and she smiled again.

"No longer than a week," Burt said quickly, changing the atmosphere slightly.

Kurt nodded.

"Well the operation is tomorrow and at the end of the week we will have the appointment with the oncologist who will explain the results of the scans and blood tests. He'll tell us how to proceed from there."

Although she no longer needed to work, Clarissa had once been a tour de force at her office as a managing secretary and her organised training flowed through even in the most horrible of circumstances. Her nails were finely manicured; her hands placed in her lap as she explained the procedure tomorrow, to the consternation of Blaine who squirmed in his seat and went red.

"Right, let me make dinner," Clarissa said getting up, "Burt and Kurt would you like to stay? Richard will be home soon."

Burt said, "Thank you for the invitation but I best be getting back to Carole." He looked to Kurt as if expecting him to follow but Blaine's eyes widened and he quickly glanced at his Mum in panic.

"Kurt?" Burt said.

Kurt looked at Blaine then Clarissa, who instantly understood.

"You're more than welcome to stay Kurt," she said, "In fact why don't you stay the night. We can take you to the hospital with us tomorrow."

Kurt looked hopefully at his father who smiled in understanding.

"Sure thing kiddo," he said, "Ring us tomorrow though, let us know how it goes and I'm sure Carole wants to see you while you're here too."

Kurt hugged his Dad tightly, glad he understood and as Burt went to leave he enveloped Blaine in his arms too.

"Hope it goes well tomorrow Blaine."

"Thanks Burt," Blaine said, "For everything." He whispered, letting him know just how important Burt was to him.

As Burt left, his car coming out of the driveway, Richard pulled up and got out of the car.

"Was that Burt that just drove past?"

"Yeah, he had to go home to Carole," Clarissa said, "He wouldn't stay to dinner but he brought Blaine home to us." She circled her arm around Blaine who was standing near her.

"Good," Richard said, "How are you son?"

Blaine nodded, his only explanation to how he was feeling.

"Kurt, good to see you again," Richard said, walking through to the living area where he took off his shoes whilst Blaine and Clarissa started dinner.

"And you sir," he said politely. Richard laughed.

"Come now, you don't have to address me so formally, I thought we'd got over that."

"Sorry," Kurt said sheepishly.

"So are you worried?" Richard asked as he sat back in his chair, one foot resting sideways on his thigh. Kurt thought that he always did start with the most direct questions.

"Yes," Kurt whispered. Richard nodded.

"It seems a little out of the blue doesn't it? I mean Blaine must have had that lump for a while and not noticed." Richard didn't seem to mind discussing such delicate subjects with him and Kurt briefly glanced at the door, worried Blaine would walk in when they were discussing him so personally.

"It will be fine though I'm sure," Richard continued confidently. "We have the most expensive and learned people on his team and I've read about the procedure. He'll be home tomorrow night once they've checked he's recovered from the anaesthetic and although the area will be sore he won't have any lasting damage."

Kurt nodded. Richard seemed to enjoy the power in knowledge too and Kurt realised in that area Blaine was very much like his father.

"Did you know that the body compensates, that he should have no trouble having children in the future? It's amazing what the body can do." Richard carried on talking, barely acknowledging Kurt's presence. Kurt blushed that he was having this conversation with Blaine's father and could only nod.

"Thank you for coming home with Blaine though Kurt," he said, his expression sincere, his eyes burning holes in Kurt's. "I know it means a lot to him."

"I wish I didn't have to come home for such a reason but I wouldn't be able to stay in New York while this was going on. I need to be here."

"You still love him then?"

Kurt was taken aback at the directness of the question, his eyes wide but there was only a second of hesitation before he answered, surprising even himself.

"Yes."

"Good," Richard said smiling, "I don't pretend to understand it: how a man can love another man, but I'm glad you love my son." Kurt smiled.

"I think he's the most important person to me," Kurt said.

"Dinner's nearly ready," Clarissa suddenly said by the door, her expression showing quite clearly that she had heard at least the last part of their conversation.

They ate whilst comfortably chatting about days at work and all Blaine and Kurt had done in New York over Christmas. There were chuckles about ice-skating and singing, and nothing was mentioned about cancer and pain. Kurt glanced at Blaine during the conversation and couldn't help but wonder how he could look perfectly well, though a little tired, and still have cancer coursing through his body, trying to take over and ruin his happiness.

It was soon time for bed and gone were the times of awkwardness; Kurt knew he would sleep with Blaine that night. They changed in silence, Blaine taking one or two glances at Kurt's naked form briefly before pyjamas were put on and they snuck under the covers. Blaine instantly lay on Kurt's chest, his favourite place.

"Do you think it'll change things?" Blaine whispered into Kurt's chest. "I know it seems silly but do you think I'll be less of a man?" He couldn't look at Kurt, the glimmer of the bedside lamp shining on Kurt's face only.

"Blaine, the measure of a man isn't in his crotch."

Blaine chuckled at the absurdity of it all but the silence after the comment told Kurt so much more.

"You're so brave Blaine, you're the best man I know and that won't change tomorrow after the surgery."

"Would you go out with someone with just one though?" Kurt ignored the weight of the question and laughed.

"Of course I would. You're having a prosthesis though right?"

"Yeah."

"Then what's the issue? Your Dad was telling me how the other compensates for the loss."

Blaine cringed.

"No he didn't," Blaine muttered, even though he knew.

"I'm afraid so," Kurt said laughing, "Your Dad is great though. He's worried about you but doesn't want to show it."

"I know," Blaine whispered, "They've been really great about it all actually, though I never really doubted it."

There was a comfortable silence where Kurt could feel Blaine's breath on his chest where his pyjamas opened slightly to reveal his collarbone. It was nice to rest here together and although Kurt would never want to admit it, he had missed the cuddles the most. He breathed in the familiar scent of Blaine's hair gel, used even during sleep, and sighed.

"Thank you for coming back," Blaine whispered, sounding like he was close to sleep.

"Don't mention it."

* * *

The following morning everyone was rushing around, desperate to get into the shower or sort breakfast and no one mentioned the surgery even at the breakfast table, just pleasantries about college courses and working in finance. Nothing looked out of the ordinary, unless you noticed the shaky hands under the table or the nervous flitting of Blaine's eyes to the people he cared for most.

Blaine was taken into a waiting office and the procedure explained in more detail then he was directed to a private room where he undressed and waited. Clarissa and Richard said they were going to get coffees and would be back shortly, leaving Blaine and Kurt to wait.

"It's drafty in here," Blaine whined and Kurt suppressed a smile.

"Well you do have your derriere on show," he said and Blaine pulled a face.

They were joined by a nurse who looked like she had seen and been through it all. Blaine was prepared for surgery while Kurt tried to read the latest edition of Vogue.

The doctor came in a little while later, reassuring Blaine that this surgery was completed very frequently and there was nothing to worry about.

"Which one am I removing?" he asked suddenly, pen in hand.

"You have got to be kidding?!" Kurt exclaimed, shocked out of his pretence of reading a magazine.

"You don't know which one?" Blaine asked quietly.

"We don't have time to look at your file during the surgery so we label your body," he explained and he proceeded to label Blaine's lower torso with an arrow to direct the surgeon. Blaine went red.

They were left alone and told it wouldn't be too long now. Blaine put his head in his hands.

"Oh my god," he breathed, "I have never been so embarrassed."

"Don't worry about it," Kurt said, reassuringly rubbing Blaine's arm, "They must see loads each day."

"What a job!"

"I know, but at least they get a treat today," Kurt smirked, eyeing Blaine's lower body, remembering what lay underneath his gown. Blaine couldn't help but laugh.

"What's so funny?" Clarissa asked as they both returned. Blaine shook his head, he could not repeat this to his mother.

The procedure was explained once more to Blaine and he was soon whisked off to have his anaesthetic, his Mum giving him a final kiss. He didn't leave until he could feel Kurt's strong hand in his, see his reassuring smile that hid all the worry and Blaine was taken away.

"Right," Richard said, clapping his hands together, "I think a little lunch is needed while we wait it out, don't you?"

Lunch was the operative word but Kurt was not impressed. The stale sandwiches and the strange looking pastries were bought but hardly touched. Richard read them all he had found out about the operation, the pain afterwards and the implications for treatment. Kurt had never heard anyone talk so much.

Kurt excused himself a little while later to ring Burt and Carole who had also booked the day off in case they were needed. It was reassuring to Kurt to have their voices close by. He explained all that he knew to Carole who had been out of the loop and drank coffee after coffee. Its smell wafted up his nose, reminding him of Blaine and he tried not to imagine what was happening to him at that moment.

Hours passed and the time came when Blaine would be out of surgery so he returned to the room to wait with Blaine's parents.

"How are you Kurt?" Clarissa said as Richard continued to read the paper. "How are you taking all of this?"

"Oh I'm ok," he said, thinking it was a silly question; it was Blaine who was suffering through all of this, not him. Clarissa smiled at his deflection.

"You know it's sometimes just as hard for the person closest to a cancer patient. They have to see a loved one suffer with no way of really being useful apart from going through it with them." Kurt listened attentively, taking in what she said. "If you ever need anything, don't hesitate to ask. We're here for you too. I mean Blaine might need our help and support the most but don't let yourself get too overwhelmed."

"I know, thank you," Kurt said politely, "But I don't think we need to worry just yet. I mean Blaine hasn't had a full diagnosis yet, he's having the lump removed so it might not have spread and that would be the end of it all."

Clarissa looked at him carefully and seemed to decide not to say anything more. Blaine came in soon afterwards, groggy and barely awake, clearly not too aware of his surroundings.

"Blaine honey, we're here," Clarissa said, "Do you know where you are?"

Blaine nodded. It took a few moments for the room to come back into focus for Blaine but he was soon propped up and asking for his phone.

"I just need to send an email or two," he said typing furiously on his phone, his eyes squinting at the screen.

"Blaine, don't be silly," Richard said.

"No I just want to check what I need to be reading so I don't miss out on my graduation this year. I don't want to miss out on anything crucial."

Kurt watched as Blaine sent email after email to all his teachers, who had surely been told he was off indefinitely. He wouldn't be stopped but finally Blaine had finished sending his emails and Kurt wondered briefly if the teachers would be able to understand a groggy Blaine's incoherent email ramblings. Blaine placed the phone beside him on the bed and Kurt took it slowly and passed it to Richard.

"How do you feel?" Clarissa asked.

"Ok," Blaine said slowly as if he was thinking the answer through very carefully. Kurt started regaling Blaine with details about his afternoon spent eating poor sandwiches and his conversations with Carole and Burt. He spoke quickly not bearing the silence around them in the private room. Clarissa and Richard let Kurt talk, his defence mechanism for awkward tension was to talk, that much was obvious and although Blaine didn't appear to be taking much in, the incessant rambling of Kurt was reassuring.

Blaine was given toast and tea, magazines were switched and swapped and the television put on until Blaine was finally assessed and told he could go home.

"What now Kurt?" Blaine whispered as the day ended and the light in the room faded with the day.

"Now we wait to hear more news," Kurt said, "With any luck that's all of it and everything can return to normal."

"That'll be good," Blaine said as he cuddled closer to Kurt and allowed his eyes to close.

* * *

**A/N**: I can't believe I'm writing any of this…. I hope someone is still reading and that I'm not being utterly crap at getting this down properly. Let me know what you think!


	4. Chapter 4

The waiting seemed to be endless but the day of the oncology appointment had finally arrived.

Since the operation, Blaine had been told to stay as sedentary as possible: no sudden movements, no heavy lifting and definitely no strenuous activity so bed rest and sofa sitting was the most directed activity. Kurt never allowed him to lift a finger; his favourite meals were provided quickly, his drinks brought to him swiftly. Blaine watched movies downstairs curled up in his favourite fleecy blanket and wearing his blue monogrammed pyjamas and Kurt went to and fro as Blaine's parents had returned to work. It was an hour after Kurt had made Blaine pancakes with his favourite toppings when Blaine quietly made him halt his step as he dashed around the house.

"Kurt, you need to stop."

Kurt paused, mid-step and swirled around to face Blaine as he rested on the sofa.

"What do you mean?" he asked, looking confused.

Blaine's expression softened. Kurt looked so fiercely protective in that moment, his desire to give Blaine his every wish so evident on his face that Blaine's heart ached that he had caused such worry.

"Come and sit here," Blaine said, indicating the place on the sofa next to him.

Kurt eyed the spot suspiciously as if it was personally responsible for wasting his time when he had fresh tea to make before their doctor's appointment later as well as dishes to clean. He slowly made his way to his place next to Blaine.

"You need to take a seat and relax, Kurt."

"No, I'm ok, I need to make tea," Kurt began as he tried to rise from his seat. He was stopped by a gentle hand on his wrist.

"Kurt, stop," Blaine said kindly and Kurt gave up. He looked at Blaine, made direct eye contact for the first time that morning and dropped his gaze as tears threatened to appear. "You need to stop worrying and dashing about the place. You're making me nervous."

Kurt looked up a little in shock; that definitely hadn't been his intention.

"I know you're worried but you can't fix it with making tea and pancakes." Blaine smiled, his pale tired face showing such kindness that Kurt wanted to cry. "You just need to _be_ for a moment."

He opened his arms wide, as his lower torso and his legs remained wrapped in the cosy warmth of the blanket. He smiled invitingly, silently begging for Kurt to give in and he did.

"I shouldn't be doing this," Kurt said and he could feel the rumble of laughter in Blaine's chest.

"Why? Because we're not together anymore? We've had loads of hugs since then, you can't escape that."

"No, I meant because of today," Kurt said.

Blaine was silent, letting the weight of today rest on his shoulders, making his arms feel heavy. Kurt let himself be hugged for a few minutes then he nodded to himself and stood up.

"I'll make tea then," he said, his stance becoming straighter, his head higher. He walked to the door then decided he had more to add and turned to face Blaine again.

"You'll be fine today Blaine," he said nodding to convince himself. "The doctor will tell you it hasn't spread and everything will be ok." He nodded again and left to make tea.

* * *

The doctor's waiting room was devoid of hope. Kurt avoided looking at the patients that approached the reception desk: women in headscarves, others wheeled in and people much older than Blaine. Kurt spoke incessantly as if the very act of talking might prevent any thinking or realising what everything around him meant. Blaine was silent.

"I mean I told him I needed a parking ticket but I expected a refund," Kurt was saying, "Surely you get free parking here Blaine? It really is an outrage and I plan to make a full complaint."

Blaine wasn't really listening but he nodded his head in agreement anyway. He was looking around at the loved ones that were with the cancer patients in the bright waiting area and wondering what they were thinking. People weren't really talking, though everyone seemed polite enough, smiling at Blaine every so often. The sympathetic glances his way showed Blaine they weren't expecting someone his age to be in the waiting room too. There were people of all races, all stages of cancer, Blaine was sure, and that was the terrible thing really. Cancer could take anyone, it had no qualms about who it affected or troubled.

There was one particular woman who walked in with a light blue headscarf, her face slightly puffy with the steroids she had been taking. Her husband walked by her side and they announced their presence to the receptionist who asked them to take a seat. They walked to the back of the waiting area, a smile on their faces as they saw people they recognised, kind words of enquiry exchanged and they finally sat down. The woman reached over when she saw Blaine and stretched her hand out.

"Hi, I'm Suzanne," she said smiling, "This is my husband Jeff."

Kurt was startled, his conversation abruptly stopping.

"Blaine," he said smiling widely, "And this is Kurt."

"Nice to meet you both," she said sweetly, "Of course it would be much better if we met elsewhere." She looked around the room, smiling ruefully but seeming to accept where life had taken her.

She left them to their wait and eventually they were called to the doctor's office, Blaine's parents coming back from their car.

"It's an outrage that you have to pay for parking here," Richard was saying as they walked to the office and Clarissa merely stroked his arm soothingly while Kurt agreed quite vehemently. Clarissa gave Blaine one fleeting smile before they were ushered into the office and asked to take a seat.

"Hello Blaine," Dr Clarke said as he saw their expectant faces looking back at him. "How are you feeling after the operation?"

"Not too bad thank you," he said politely, "Kurt has been looking after me and making sure I don't lift anything heavy or anything at all actually." He smiled with affection. "The area is sore but nothing to worry about I guess."  
"Good, good," Dr Clarke said, smiling, "I'm glad to hear it."

He shuffled through some papers in Blaine's file and seemed to take an age to get to the right parts. Kurt couldn't take it any longer.

"Please just tell us," Kurt said loudly, causing Dr Clarke to look up in surprise.

"Are you Kurt?" he said softly. Kurt nodded. "Blaine's boyfriend?"

"Ex-boyfriend." Dr Clarke nodded in understanding.

"Well let's get to it then," he said. "Blaine, you spoke of pain in your side before the operation? That was unfortunately caused by your lymph node. If you look at your scan it shows a 32mm tumour has developed there as well as several in your lungs."

The scans of Blaine's chest and abdomen were placed on the luminous board behind him and all faces turned to the depressing pictures.

"I don't understand," Richard said, "Are the white parts his lungs?"

Kurt looked a little closer. The scan showed a blackness where the outline of Blaine's ribs could be seen and faint lines of capillaries and areoles. Dotted around were small areas of white.

"No they are the tumours," Dr Clarke said quietly. Clarissa gasped and her eyes instantly watered.

"There are so many," Blaine whispered apparently to himself but Dr Clarke answered anyway.

"With chemotherapy Blaine we're quite confident we can get rid of them all but it would need to be aggressive. We're hoping that would be the only treatment necessary but the tumour in your lymph node might need to be removed through surgery."

Blaine nodded but avoided his gaze.

"The tumour we removed was a common seminoma so we are quite confident that it won't come back in that area. You have been fully diagnosed with stage 3a cancer."

"How many stages are there?" Clarissa asked.

"With this type of cancer, as the success rate is so high, stage 4 has been removed. If it has spread to the brain or liver it would be diagnosed as stage 3c."

"The success rate is high?" Kurt asked with a tremble to his voice.

"Definitely Kurt," Dr Clarke said kindly, "Even though it has spread the success rate is still 80%."

"But there is a 20% chance I could die?" Blaine asked.

"Yes but that is a very low figure and with the tumour we removed, it really does suggest it is not a rare cell formation. Rare cell formation in a tumour would make it more likely to spread or resist control."

"What does treatment entail?" Richard asked.

"Blaine will undergo three courses of BEP chemotherapy, each course taking three weeks." He handed a timetable to Richard who showed it to his wife. "The first three days of a cycle are very intense but then the treatments get easier before it starts again."

"What are the side effects?" Richard asked.

"Hair loss, sickness, tiredness, there are many. The treatment is very fierce and aggressive so we can remove it all. Blaine will need to go for a hearing test and a lung function test before it starts so we can assess any lasting damage afterwards. In the worst case it can permanently cause hearing problems and scar tissue can form in the lungs. We will also need you to go for sperm banking as chemotherapy reduces fertility."

"Oh," Blaine said a slight blush forming on his cheeks, "I was told the other would compensate."

"It is the chemicals in the chemotherapy Blaine," Dr Clarke explained, "They attack the DNA in a cancer cell causing it to destroy itself instead of replicate but the fallout causes damage to other cells. That is why you will feel so ill. It will feel worse than the cancer but in the long term, you should be cured.

"The side effects vary from patient to patient so we will monitor you during the chemotherapy and give you drugs to combat most of the side effects. Steroids will also help your body to cope."

Blaine, Richard, Clarissa and Kurt all nodded at once, taking in the huge amount of information just given to them.

"Will I be ok?" Blaine asked, the silence around him deafening.

"I think so Blaine," Dr Clarke said with a small confident smile, "Based on cases I have had in the past you should make a full recovery and lead a normal life afterwards."

"Thank you," Blaine said.

* * *

The ride home was silent, filled only with the sounds of the road and the mad whirring of thoughts. No one knew what to say, the appointment going against everyone's hopes and not really allaying any fears. Blaine watched as cars sped past in blurs, clouds hovered ominously in the sky, threatening rain and all he could think was how it reflected his life.

"Are you staying for dinner Kurt?" Clarissa asked as soon as their front door was opened. The warmth of the house enveloped them as they entered, allowing them to feel just a small amount of comfort. Kurt politely accepted and said he'd just be a moment on the phone to let his Dad know. Blaine knew he meant to tell him so much more.

Blaine sat down at the sofa as Richard and Clarissa went to the kitchen, no doubt to discuss the appointment as well as to make dinner and Blaine was left with just his thoughts. He switched the television on, turned up the volume slightly and let it drown out everything else. When Kurt returned to the living room, it was to see Blaine staring fixedly at the television screen, as if he was almost hypnotised by the colourful advert that was promising customer satisfaction. He sat down next to him, touched Blaine's knee where it was already covered by his fleecy blanket.

"Are you ok?"

Blaine looked at Kurt as if waking out of a dream.

"I don't know."

"80% is good Blaine," Kurt said forcing a smile. "That is positive."

Blaine only nodded.

"I know chemotherapy will be hard but at least you know that you will get through this, that everything will be ok," Kurt continued. Blaine continued to stare at the television screen.

Kurt gave up and just came closer, his arm touching Blaine's, his fingers coming to intertwine with his where they rested on the blanket and he watched the television too, his eyes out of focus and his mind elsewhere.

It seemed an age when Blaine replied, so quietly and so long after the conversation that Kurt wasn't entirely sure what he was saying.

"But I was hoping for better," Blaine whispered. He continued to look ahead, avoiding Kurt's kind gaze, not bearing to see the pity that rested there. Kurt felt his eyes fill but instead of saying anything else he clutched Blaine's hand tighter and came closer, resting his head now on Blaine's shoulder and there they stayed until they were called for dinner.

* * *

**A/N**: Thank you so much for all the kind reviews – it really does make all the hard writing worthwhile.


	5. Chapter 5

"Are we going to have the conversation?" Burt asked at dinner, the table suddenly silent as Carole and Burt looked to Kurt for answers. There was a startled look then realisation and Kurt returned to eating his vegetables.

"Kurt…"

"No Dad, we're not having the conversation."

"We agreed a week, it's been 10 days. You need to go back to New York."

"No I don't," Kurt said quietly but with a leading look from Burt, his shoulders sagged. He would need to have this conversation.

"I want to stay."

"But what about college, New York, your dreams?"

"What about them? They'll be there when I return."

"You know you need to think about this, Kurt. I'm not saying anything you didn't know. You and Blaine aren't together anymore, you don't owe him anything."

"You think that's what this is?" Kurt said, annoyed. "I don't care that we're not together, he needs me and I'll be there."

"For how long? Until he has the all-clear? Until the chemotherapy is over? Blaine hasn't asked you to stay has he?"

"No he doesn't need to, I know he wants me to stay. He would never ask."

"He has his parents, his brother. I'm not saying don't be there for him, but he doesn't need you to stay, he doesn't need you to be at home to nurse him. That's what family are for."

Kurt thought it through. Blaine hadn't asked, it was just a look every so often, a widening of the eyes, a desperate clutch of a hand that spoke to Kurt far more than actual words. Blaine begged Kurt to stay, he just didn't say it out loud.

"I couldn't go back to New York knowing that he was going through that, Dad," Kurt whispered.

Burt's face softened, his eyes kind.

"Then you need to think about what you want to do, what Blaine wants you to do, because this is a big decision bud."

"I know," he whispered, his eyes lowered, a threat of tears at the thought of the future.

"And we'll be right here when you make it."

* * *

Clarissa went with Blaine the following day to get his hearing checked as well as his lung capacity measured. The tests allowed the doctors to assess the extent of the damage afterwards, to check if chemotherapy had left scar tissue in his lungs or tinnitus would affect his ears permanently. It was routine only and he was out before lunch and greeted by Kurt at the door to his house when he returned.

"You're here," Blaine said simply, his smile all Kurt needed to know that he was missed.

"That I am," Kurt said and he led Blaine into his own house as Clarissa made tea. "Did you miss me?" he said jokingly as he put the television on and curled up on the sofa. Blaine walked over to join him slowly, thinking that Kurt had never looked so at ease in his house, even when they were together.

"More than you'll ever know," Blaine said quietly after a while, his eyes fixed on the screen in front of him. Kurt turned his face towards the perfect profile sitting next to him.

"You did?"

"Yeah," Blaine said, his voice trembling and he still refused to look at Kurt, though he could feel his eyes on him. His mom had been great, trying to distract him with talk of distant relatives and their troubles and waffling on about his father's work but it hadn't been the same. He knew that Kurt would just sit there occasionally and let him be, or he would talk on about something inconsequential or scandalous in the magazines and all would be right with the world. It had only been a morning but it had taken that appointment for Blaine to realise that he needed Kurt to get him through this but he couldn't ask, not when they weren't together, not when he had no right to ask him to halt his dream of New York and NYADA. So Blaine sat in silence.

"Ok," Kurt said simply but he nestled his head on Blaine's shoulder as they watched a recording of Project Runway, his decision made.

* * *

"Are you sure?" Burt asked.

"Yeah, this way I can start again when Blaine joins and we can go together." Burt recognised the set jaw and the determined expression. He knew his mind had been made.

"What happens now?"

"Now we go to the sperm bank," Kurt said, his expression a grimace.

* * *

"Thanks for coming with me," Blaine said, his eyes kind as they sat in the waiting room.

"No problem," Kurt said looking around at the various people there. There was a couple in the corner, young, perhaps in the same situation as Blaine. A boy younger than Blaine sat with his mom who was filling in his form as the boy's face went red at what he was about to do.

"I can't really imagine Clarissa or Richard in a place like this," Kurt said, allowing a small smile.

"Can you imagine?" Blaine said, closing his eyes and shuddering. Kurt chuckled.

Both Blaine and Kurt were taken into a side room to fill in the paper work. A male nurse whose badge read 'Anthony' knew the gravity of the situation, was young himself and knew what he was about to ask but he was sensitive and asked the questions carefully.

"We'll keep your samples for the next ten years and will notify you of any changes to the location of the sample. For example, if we move it to another hospital for temporary storage. If you wish to use the sample or you would like us to destroy it you will have to ask in person and give identification." Blaine signed the forms as instructed, understanding the terms.

"This is a little more delicate," Anthony said, indicating another form. "I need to ask if something happens to you, would you want anyone else to use your sample."

Kurt hadn't even thought of that and his mind went to so many different places in the space of a few seconds. Blaine looked to him briefly, it suddenly obvious that he was going through the same emotions.

"I'd like Kurt to have the right to use it if he wishes," Blaine said directly to Anthony, his expression steely and determined.

"Ok," the nurse said, "Are you together?"

"No," Blaine said sadly, "But I want him to have the choice and the right."

"Ok," Anthony said again. "Kurt you will need to sign this form. If something happens to Blaine you retain all rights of the sample and can do as you wish."

Kurt nodded at the gravity of the situation as he prepared to sign. With one last reassuring look towards Blaine, who nodded in agreement, Kurt signed the form. They returned to the waiting room and sat in silence, knowing that it would be impossible to have the conversation that was needed in the echoic room.

Blaine was soon led into a room with a cup and a selection of magazines, not at all catering to his desires or preferences so he went to his fail safe: Kurt. He felt dirty doing it, knowing that his once upon a time lover was in the waiting room being caring and considerate but he couldn't help it. The place was devoid of atmosphere, white bare walls, plastic chair and a small table so he closed his eyes and remembered. Soft skin, blue piercing eyes full of desire and a touch so gentle and loving that it made his own skin tingle with arousal and warmth. As he felt himself harden at the thought of Kurt, of the remembered sounds he made, he stroked himself quickly. He came soon afterwards, no finesse as he reached for the cup with clumsy hands but a single gasped out word fell from his lips. He sorted himself out; discreetly handed the sample to the lab technician like instructed and came out to the waiting area to see Kurt's familiar face. Blaine blushed at what he had just imagined and couldn't quite meet Kurt's eye as they left the building.

"Was it difficult?" Kurt asked quietly in the car on the way home. Kurt resolutely looked ahead as he drove onwards and Blaine was thankful for that.

"Not as bad as I thought," Blaine said quietly and Kurt left it at that.

It was as Kurt was preparing to leave later that night after Clarissa had cooked dinner once again, that he couldn't help but ask what had been plaguing his mind ever since the conversation with Anthony.

"What would you want me to do? With the sample I mean?" Kurt asked, the thought so big and not something he wanted to focus on.

"It's up to you," Blaine said, "I want you to have the right, no one else and if it comes to it, you can destroy it or use it as you wish."

Kurt left, the enormity of the whole situation just too much for him to discuss with Blaine and he cried all the way home, his blurry vision causing him finally to stop at the side of the road and pull himself together.

* * *

It was the following week when Blaine was waiting for chemotherapy to start and having lunch with Kurt when NYADA was finally mentioned. Kurt had got biscotti and lattes as well as muffins, determined to feed Blaine up for what he knew would be a gruelling time for his body. He came over all eager and plonked their drinks and plates down after a few trips. Blaine was silent as he watched Kurt take one then a second trip to the counter, saw his face alight in a smile that he was doing something useful. Kurt took a tentative sip before he realised Blaine was staring.

"What? Have I got something on my face?"

Blaine shook his head and smiled sadly.

"What's wrong?" Kurt asked.

Blaine considered what he was to say, took a deep breath before mentioning something he had deliberately ignored for the last two weeks.

"What about NYADA Kurt?"

Kurt's face fell.

"Oh."  
"Yes, oh."

"I didn't think we needed to have this conversation." He looked around the coffee shop as if hoping for an escape.

"Are you going back?" Blaine asked.

"Not this year," Kurt said simply and although Blaine had been expecting it he still looked a little shocked.

"Why would you do that Kurt? NYADA is so important, New York is your dream."

"It'll still be there when we go together," Kurt said simply, "I've just deferred a year and you said yourself you wanted to apply."

"But Kurt your time is now, you should return instead of staying here with me. I'll be fine."

"No Blaine," Kurt said, closing his eyes against that possible future and shaking his head. "I'm staying."

"And I don't get a say?"

Kurt opened his eyes wide.

"Of course you do, I just thought you'd want me to stay," he said finishing quietly. Blaine's warm brown eyes looked suddenly tired and he had the sudden urge to curl up under the blankets and stay there.

"I do," Blaine said. "I just would never ask you to stay."

"I know," Kurt said smiling, "But I still know you wanted me to stay. I thought about it long and hard and discussed it with my Dad. It's for the best."

"It's so much to ask," Blaine said, the enormity of the treatment looming ahead of him and only the thought of Kurt keeping him a little grounded and sane.

"But it's so big Blaine that I know you'd need someone and not just your parents and family. I want to be there for you, let me."

Blaine looked into his latte, the froth dying in front of him, now just a light brown goop.

"Why would you want that after what I did?" Blaine didn't really ask, though he wanted to know the answer. He looked so small in front of Kurt now, a lost little boy and Kurt wanted to envelop him in his arms, he just worried he wouldn't be strong enough to remove all the pain.

"Because you'd do that for me," Kurt said simply, "And all of that doesn't matter now." Blaine looked up.

"You forgive me?" he asked quietly.

"I never understood why you did it," Kurt said, "You hurt me beyond belief."

Blaine felt his heart break just a little.

"I thought you'd moved on," he said knowing there was no excuse, "I thought I was out of your life."

"I could never be out of your life," Kurt whispered coming closer so only Blaine could hear in the crowded coffee shop. "But it's over now." He sat up straighter. "It doesn't matter."

"It doesn't?"

"Not in the grand scheme of things, not in a world of cancer. Nothing matters but you getting better."

"I don't deserve you," Blaine said shaking his head, his eyes filling with tears.

"Yes you do. You're the best person I know Blaine, you just need a little help at the moment."

Blaine couldn't answer but he lifted his watery gaze to Kurt and thought that if Kurt could always be by his side, he just might be able to get through anything.


	6. Chapter 6

One week remained before chemotherapy was to start and the wait seemed endless though Blaine never wanted it to start. He had read about all of the side effects, knew what to expect and what treatment he would be given but knowledge doesn't always equal power. This time it made Blaine feel sick at the thought of the cancer cells constantly multiplying and the chemical attack that would start in under a week. Kurt had read all the information too, knew what Blaine was to face but refused to discuss it with him, the very idea making him feel sick. It was better assumed that everything would be fine, that the chemotherapy would end all the problems and Blaine would get better. He wouldn't entertain any other possibility.

Blaine's apology and Kurt's forgiveness seemed to cause a shift in their relationship and although they were always affectionate, the roles suddenly reversed in the face of adversity, they clung to each other in moments of quiet when no one saw. Kurt spent the night with Blaine more frequently and although it was always chaste, more and more kisses on cheeks were exchanged as they said goodnight and they fell asleep in each other's arms. In the darkest hours before the dawn when sleep could not be had, whispered words of fear and possible futures were shared. Faces buried in chests in the darkness rather than admittance of truth in the light of day.

"Do you think I'll look horrible with no hair?" Blaine whispered one night.

"No," Kurt said, "I think your face is so beautiful, your eyes such a mixture of shades that I think your lack of hair won't make such a difference."

Blaine smiled into Kurt's chest, his familiar smell comforting as he nuzzled into the silky fabric.

"Thanks," he whispered.

"You'll still be beautiful to me," Kurt said after a while, the darkness hiding his blush at the admission. "No matter what."

Blaine allowed his words to sink in, consider what they might mean then he turned onto his side so he could face Kurt properly. In the darkness he could only see his blue eyes and a worried expression, like he wondered how his words would be taken.

"Kurt, I know what I did hurt you," Blaine began but his sentence died on his lips as a finger was placed there.

"Don't," Kurt said, "You've said sorry and I heard it. I don't need you to keep saying it. Things are different now."

"Because I have cancer?"

"No because life's too lonely as it is to go through it alone. I tried it without you and I just didn't work."

Blaine saw Kurt's eyes fill with tears, glisten in the darkness and he reached to stroke along the soft skin of his cheek.

"I couldn't do this without you, I don't work without you either," Blaine was saying as a lone tear escaped Kurt's eye.

"You're so precious to me, so important," Kurt started rambling, as he came closer and Blaine didn't know what to say just allowed himself to close the gap between their lips and take what he could to get through the next nine weeks. Kisses were feverous, desperate and tears mingled before they finally parted and hugged even closer.

"Stay with me, stay forever," Kurt said repeatedly until Blaine quieted his words with his lips again and their legs entwined.

"Always, always."

* * *

No one questioned the change in their relationship. It seemed inevitable to Blaine's parents and Burt and Carole that things would develop between them again. No one couple, with the history that Kurt and Blaine shared, with the possibility of death and pain in front of them, could deny the love that fizzled between them. Every opportunity was taken to ensure that love was expressed and made known: hugs shared, kisses given and time spent. They distracted themselves with coffee trips and visits to friends and family in Ohio. The week may have quickly passed them by but time was well spent and before they knew it chemotherapy was starting.

They went to the oncology reception, Blaine's parents staying for a few hours to make sure everything started properly. They were told to wait and eventually Blaine's name was called and he was invited to the ward where he was to spend the whole day. He was sent to a comfy chair, a small table with a jug of water and a cup his only furniture.

"Blaine is it?" a lady in a nurse's uniform suddenly said as she approached them all. Blaine nodded.

"Well let's get started Blaine," she said, "My name's Margaret and I'm one of the nurses that will be administering your chemotherapy in the next few weeks." She went through that he would be set up with a cannula, which would be inserted into a vein along his hand or wrist, and he would need to drink regularly, keeping a record of how much he drank and urinated on a chart that would be checked. Blaine grimaced but he soon realised that everyone around him was in the same situation as he was. He was given anti-sickness drugs and a stretchy band tightened on his arm so a vein could more easily be found.

The bags of saline and chemotherapy drugs were found and checked alongside Blaine's details, ensuring that he was given the correct treatment. Margaret inserted his cannula and the process was started with saline to flush out his system first.

Blaine's parents spoke to the nurses for a while then said they would be back in a few hours if Blaine was ok. Blaine assured them that Kurt would still be here and Clarissa nodded in acceptance, realising that her son was all grown up after all.

It was only as the saline solution was being pumped through Blaine's system that they could really look around them. The chemotherapy ward was really just a collection of comfy chairs, most people with just one visitor alongside them.

"How does it feel?" Kurt asked in order to avoid looking anymore.

"Strange," Blaine said, "I can feel the coldness through my veins but other than that, you get used to it."

Kurt looked again, caught glimpses of other people having treatment who smiled in his direction when they saw his eyes. No one was the same age as Blaine; mainly women were having treatment though there was one man who could barely lift his head. Some of the women had scarves on their head; others had hair that was growing back. Some looked positive, smiling when given the opportunity, others were reading or doing a crossword and keeping to themselves. It looked such a sad ward, such a place where people struggled, that Kurt felt tears instantly start in his eyes at the pain of the place where his beautiful Blaine was sitting too. Blaine didn't seem to notice, deliberately took out a magazine to distract himself so Kurt swallowed against the fear and started to talk.

"That Margaret seemed nice, in fact all the nurses seem nice," Kurt started. "I think you'd have to be a certain kind of person to work here, not too dreary." Blaine nodded.

"I think Downton Abbey starts again soon, we'll get to watch that together and mock the servants," Kurt continued. He started doing impressions of Daisy and Blaine smiled. He let Kurt ramble but eventually he placed his hand on Kurt's as it rested on his knee. Kurt didn't say anything, looked down at Blaine's hand and understood. They were in this together and Kurt may ramble all he liked but Blaine knew and he appreciated the incessant chatter, knew it meant Kurt was nervous.

So Kurt discussed all the television they could watch together that night when the treatment was over for the day and Blaine listened.

* * *

The hours dragged. The saline solution was soon finished, the incessant beeping of the machine that administered it alerting the nurses to change it. Blaine was soon given the etoposide and cisplatin solutions in a big bag and the machine was set for a few hours. All they had to do was watch and wait.

"Did you know that cisplatin contains platinum?" Kurt said when the nurse went away.

"Yeah, I'm really expensive now, worth thousands," Blaine said smiling.

The hours went on and Kurt tried to distract both himself and Blaine with reading various gossip columns in the magazines and discussing the latest fashions in Vogue. They were offered lunch but Blaine declined, explaining he felt sick and didn't want to upset his stomach.

"Are you ok?" Kurt asked.

"Yeah, it's just draining," Blaine said as the last bag was finished. "It makes me so tired just being here but I know if I tried to sleep I couldn't."  
The lady they had met a few weeks ago came up to the ward to have what appeared a very short treatment but she waved hello when she saw Kurt and Blaine.

"How have you been Blaine?" Suzanne asked and Kurt was surprised that she'd remembered his name.

"Not too bad thanks," he said, "This is my first treatment, so I'm sure it gets harder."

She simply nodded, knowing that Blaine didn't need to know that it certainly would.

"Make sure you take all the pills they give you, all the anti-sickness and if it doesn't work tell them and they'll give you stronger medication."

Kurt looked alarmed at the thought the medication they had been given might not work but Blaine just showed her all the pills he had been given, including the injections he would need to start later on in the week.

"Well take care Blaine," she said stroking his arm just above the cannula, "I mean it, look after yourself." Blaine nodded and smiled, waving goodbye as she left the ward.

Blaine was given another saline solution to flush out his system and his parents soon came to take him home for a rest before it would be repeated the following day.

* * *

Blaine went to bed as soon as they came home. Kurt brought him dry crackers and ginger biscuits to ease the nausea and helped him undress.

"I'm just so tired," Blaine whispered as he was laid in his bed, his paleness worrying Kurt who kissed him on the forehead. They lay in the dark for a while, Kurt still fully dressed.

"Will you sing to me?" Blaine whispered, his voice barely audible when Kurt had thought he'd drifted to sleep.

"Of course," Kurt said wracking his brain for a suitable song.

"Sing 'Blackbird'," Blaine whispered and in the darkness Kurt could just about see his closed eyes and a smile gracing his face, as if he was remembering that perfect moment when he had realized.

_Blackbird singing in the dead of night_

_Take these broken wings and learn to fly_

_All your life_

_You were only waiting for this moment to arise._

_Blackbird singing in the dead of night_

_Take these sunken eyes and learn to see_

_All your life_

_You were only waiting for this moment to be free._

Kurt peppered Blaine's face with kisses and Blaine didn't stir, just a happy mumble and Kurt knew he was sleeping. He just hoped he was dreaming about something much more pleasant than the reality.

* * *

Blaine slept peacefully until early morning when Kurt got up to make him breakfast. Kurt padded downstairs to find Richard reading a paper and drinking a cup of coffee.

"How is he?" Richard asked.

"He slept well," Kurt said, pouring himself a cup of coffee too. He was so tired, not really sleeping well himself that Richard took one look and knew he had been up worrying. Kurt's pale skin looked purple in places, especially under his eyes and Richard gave Kurt one kind meaningful look before Kurt sat down at the breakfast bar.

"I know, I look dreadful," Kurt said placing his head in his hands.

"You don't have to do it all yourself you know," Richard said his voice soft. "We're here for you too Kurt and whenever you need a break we'll still be here."

Kurt looked up, the kindness almost too much after a night of worrying. His eyes started to fill and he nodded.

"I should be able to cope after one day though," Kurt said chiding himself.

"Take it one day at a time and don't expect too much, from either of you," Richard finished. Kurt opened his mouth to say thanks when they were interrupted by the sound of heavy retching. He ran up the stairs to find Blaine's head over the toilet bowl, his back drenched in sweat. Kurt kneeled instantly by his side.

"Oh Blaine, are you ok?"

Blaine lifted his head weakly and Kurt pushed a sweaty curl away from his forehead. He closed his eyes under Kurt's care and let him mop his brow with a towel. Blaine rested back, still remaining on his knees, his bottom now on his feet, taking a few steady breaths.

"I know I don't have anything more in my stomach but I still feel sick," he moaned, his eyes still closed as if it took that much concentration not to be sick.

"We can just wait here for a moment if you like, then I'll get a bowl and you can sit in bed," Kurt said. Blaine nodded imperceptibly.

After a while the nausea seemed to subside and a bowl was fetched so Blaine could sit in bed. Kurt said nothing, just stroked his forehead and kissed his cheek. Just as Kurt thought he might be better, Blaine started retching again, this time only bile coming up. The sickness was so violent that Blaine's eyes started to pop slightly with the pressure, which started a nosebleed. Kurt rushed to get a tissue to stop the flow but Blaine kept heaving, bile now mixed with blood in the bowl and Richard rushed to help when he heard Kurt's cry.

"I'll call the helpline," he said immediately when he saw Blaine and Clarissa came with tissues and water.

There seemed nothing Kurt and Clarissa could do but wait, stroke Blaine's back while the retching continued. As it stopped, the blood continued and eventually Kurt was able to place a tissue under his nose and pinch the top so the blood could stop. Clarissa cleaned the bowl as Kurt stroked his face, Blaine getting his breathing back under control.

"They said when he comes in today they'll give him anti-sickness medication that is stronger. We need to monitor his temperature to avoid infection."

Clarissa placed the thermometer in his mouth and waited for the beep. It was high but not too high.

Blaine eventually lay back and closed his eyes. Clarissa and Richard getting ready for the hospital, Kurt lay on his side to face Blaine and watch as his breathing evened out.

"I can't go back," Blaine whispered, "I can't do it again."

Blaine's voice hitched and Kurt pursed his lips in an effort to keep it together. Blaine's eyes remained closed but Kurt could see the tears fall along the side of his face as he lay on his back.

"You can do it Blaine," Kurt whispered, "I'll be right here and you are brave and beautiful. You can do it."

Blaine nodded in acceptance but the tears continued to fall.

* * *

**A/N**: Gosh that was hard to write. Sorry for the sadness…


	7. Chapter 7

Blaine didn't manage to eat anything before he was to make his second trip to the chemotherapy ward. Now the nurses had been warned of his extreme sickness they had prepared stronger medication for him to take to avoid it again. Kurt, Richard and Clarissa were told that Blaine's reaction to the chemotherapy yesterday had been strong and that although nausea was to be expected, severe vomiting was not. He was given a cardboard bowl and prepared for the cannula once again.

Blaine looked pale, his eyes sunken in a gaunt face, and Kurt could barely look at him without constantly asking if he was ok. Blaine could only say he was fine, which Kurt knew to be a lie, and sit with his wrist out, the tight strap on his arm to help his vein become more noticeable. Kurt looked around the ward, recognised a few people from yesterday and wondered how many people faced this long day just as many times as Blaine. At least tomorrow would be the last long day, the rest of the three week cycle only a few treatments for two or three hours. Kurt turned to face Blaine when he heard the familiar retching.

"Oh Blaine," he said quickly getting up to call for a nurse who rapidly closed the curtains around Blaine to give him some privacy. Blaine retched a few times, nothing but bile coming up, as he hadn't managed breakfast. The nurse called for the doctor and stayed with them both. After a while the sickness calmed down, Blaine breathing heavily and he closed his eyes with tiredness. Kurt felt useless but lightly stroked his face and hands.

"Has he reacted to the medication at all?" Dr Clarke whispered to the nurse nearby although Kurt noticed. The nurse shook her head and Kurt took in the worried expression of the doctor, standing up quickly.

"What's wrong?" he said loudly, "What's wrong with Blaine?"

"Blaine will be fine. Kurt is it?" Dr Clarke asked and Kurt nodded. "We'll let him rest for a bit, give him a shorter treatment today if he reacts well to the anti-sickness medication we will give him now. Sickness is to be expected, the treatment is quite strong so it can work. Although Blaine has reacted badly we do have the medicine to make it better. Now we know, we can make sure he takes this during the next cycle and it won't happen again."

"Good," Kurt said, clearly annoyed and turning to check on Blaine again. "I mean this could have been prevented, he shouldn't have to suffer anymore than he is."

He walked off in a huff, sat down by Blaine and checked he was ok, whispering in Blaine's ear. Blaine only nodded slightly, his eyes closed; it took too much effort to concentrate on anything around him. A nurse soon approached them to give the prescribed pills and Blaine opened his eyes. He looked around him and although he was still pale, he looked better. He said nothing but Dr Clarke returned an hour later to check that his treatment could go ahead.

"How are you feeling Blaine?" he asked quietly, Kurt noticing the patients around eyeing them with curiosity. It was quite rare for anyone to be sick on the ward and they looked sympathetic.

"A little better," Blaine whispered. Dr Clarke nodded.

"Do you think we could try a shorter treatment today? It would mean a longer treatment tomorrow but after that the cycle will return to normal."

Blaine didn't want anymore, wasn't sure he could face it but he looked in the kind eyes of the doctor who he knew only wanted the best for him and he nodded slightly.

"Good," Dr Clarke said smiling hopefully. "I'll let the nurse know."

"Are you sure you're ok?" Kurt asked once Dr Clarke had gone. "I can tell them that you're not well enough, I can take you home."

"No," Blaine said, his jaw set as he looked at Kurt. He saw the worry etched on Kurt's face and his expression softened. "I'll be ok, I have to do this."

Kurt couldn't bear it as Margaret came over to check he was ok to have the cannula placed in his vein and the process started again. Blaine steeled himself for the horrible experience and Kurt avoided watching by observing those around him.

A thin older woman was doing what appeared to be crossword, another younger woman probably in her fifties was reading. One man was reading the newspaper while his wife chatted away happily, seemingly unaware that her husband was no longer listening to her. Kurt smiled at her as she caught his eye and she smiled too.

"He's not listening, is he?" she suddenly said across the way, indicating her husband who looked up quickly as if he had been caught. Kurt laughed.

Margaret who was easing the cannula into Blaine's wrist was joking with Blaine who suddenly chuckled and Kurt turned to face them in surprise.

"Quite the charmer with those lovely eyes isn't he?" Margaret said to Kurt and she winked. "He's a keeper," she whispered, leaning to talk to Kurt conspiratorially. Kurt smiled and looked over at a tired Blaine who tried a smile too.

"Yes he is," Kurt said, stroking Blaine's hand as it rested on the arm of the comfy chair. As Margaret left, Blaine closed his eyes, seeming to search for the strength that lay buried deep inside and Kurt stroked his hand repeatedly, the only way he could give comfort.

Kurt saw the nurses carrying on their jobs, checking cannulas and bags of solution, making sure the patients were drinking regularly and writing on their charts. They laughed with those that were awake or offered cups of tea for those staying a longer time. Every so often tears filled Kurt's eyes at the cheer and laughter, wondering if the people here would survive the year, wondering how they could be so nonchalant about it all. The lady opposite Kurt, who had spoken before, caught his eye again and smiled sympathetically as if she could read his mind.

"This is a place of miracles," she said, looking directly at Kurt, "Imagine where we would be without it."

Kurt said nothing but Blaine opened his eyes, hearing what she had said though not understanding what had gone on between her and Kurt. Kurt finally nodded his head and turned his face to Blaine, kissing his cheek.

"Would you like me to read to you?" he asked. Blaine nodded and smiled, closing his eyes and laying back slightly in his seat. Kurt took out Blaine's familiar and tatted copy of 'The Velveteen Rabbit' and opened it to start reading quietly.

His voice was melodious and he glanced every so often to check on Blaine. Although he looked like he was sleeping, his breathing evening out, he also smiled every so often as he heard the familiar lines. Kurt didn't notice the eyes of those around him in the ward, listening carefully to a simple children's story read by someone that loved dearly.

"Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off," Kurt read, "And your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand. Once you are Real you can't become unreal again. It lasts for always."

Kurt took in Blaine's peaceful smile as his eyes remained closed but didn't notice the tears in the eyes of the lady opposite, her quick glance to her husband as he continued to read his newspaper oblivious to what was happening.

* * *

The medication seemed to make a difference and Blaine wasn't sick that night or the following day when the treatment was repeated. Kurt nursed him, gave him drinks of water and tried to persuade him to eat. Dry crackers were now too bland but Blaine couldn't stomach anything too rich in flavour so Kurt prepared toast for dinner and pancakes for breakfast. Blaine barely spoke, the tiredness creeping upon him and he could barely keep his eyes focused on the movie they were watching in bed after the third day.

"Do you want the light off?" Kurt asked.

"Only if you've finished watching the movie, I can stay up for a little longer," Blaine said quickly, though his body remained slouched against the many pillows.

"Don't be silly Blaine, you can go to sleep, you must be exhausted."

Kurt prepared the bed and turned off the movie but Blaine stopped him.

"Will you come to bed with me?" he asked quietly. Kurt looked at him, his curly head already on the pillow, his pale cheeks scrunched in an adorable questioning expression. Kurt smiled.

"Of course," he said, changing quickly and slipping under the covers. Blaine cuddled close to Kurt as soon as he felt the warmth in the bed and he chuckled.

"You know if I was better I'd be doing so much more to you than cuddling," Blaine said. Kurt smiled and kissed the top of his head.

"We can have all the sex you like when you're better my love," he said sweetly as Blaine drifted off to sleep.

* * *

The rest of the treatment went as expected. The smaller sessions were only one or two hours, a chemical called Bleomycin was given through the cannula and these sessions were bearable for Blaine. He noticed more of the side effects occurring and Kurt tried to do his best to relieve some of the pain. Blaine started getting ulcers in his mouth making it impossible to eat anything too solid or hot and he suddenly found it hard to drink even simple water.

"Milk's best," he said one morning and Kurt gave him what he needed.

"I don't understand how it all works," Kurt said, looking confused.

"I don't know either," Blaine said as he cleaned his stomach with an alcohol wipe. He squeezed his stomach muscles closer together in preparation for his injection. Kurt waited for him to finish before he spoke again.

"How do you manage to do that? Doesn't it make you feel squeamish?"

"You get used to it," Blaine said, grimacing a bit as the pain of the injection kicked in. They had to be inserted quite deeply, and then more steroid pills were swallowed. "I seem to be doing nothing but taking medication."

"It makes you better though right?" Kurt said smiling hopefully. Blaine nodded.

* * *

He wasn't allowed many visitors in case of infection but as the end of the first cycle came and his injections helped maintain his immunity, he could have a few visitors round. Tina visited first and brought an array of medicines that Blaine couldn't really take but he appreciated the thought anyway. She promised her chicken soup would make him feel better and Clarissa went to dutifully heat it up.

Finn and Rachel visited too, though Finn sat awkwardly, clearly unsure what to say. He took one look at Blaine's patchy hair, tried to hide his shock and failed miserably as he resolutely looked at his hands, then at Rachel. Kurt noticed and gave him a stern look.

"It looks pretty bad doesn't it?" Blaine said quietly but he was greeted by silence. "It's alright guys, you can say it. I need to shave my head, don't I?"

Kurt looked kindly at Blaine and was determined to be brave. He had noticed the sudden patches of hair on the floor of the house as well as clumps in the shower but hadn't said anything. Blaine would put his hand through his curls some mornings and reveal a clump of hair in his hand and look on in worry but Kurt would only say positive things, hoping Blaine wouldn't worry. Kurt really had believed that just some would fall out, not all, but now Blaine had bald patches, his olive skin showing through and although Blaine had foregone gel a few weeks ago, his curls couldn't hide it any longer.

"Maybe one of us could shave it for you?" Kurt asked. Blaine nodded, finally glad that the tension seemed to have been lifted about the gradual loss of his hair.

"Yeah you'd look like that cool dude, what's his name? Jason Statham," Finn said, getting a little too excited. "Or Vin Diesel."

Blaine chuckled at the awkward conversation.

"I've spent years trying to tame my curls with gel, I never thought I'd miss them."

They were interrupted by the doorbell and Sam entered the house once Richard opened the door.

"Sorry guys, maybe some of you should go," he said apologetically, "The doctors worry about infection and he shouldn't be around so many people."

"That's ok Mr. Anderson," Finn said as he and Rachel prepared to go, "We'll see you soon Blaine."

"I should go too," Tina said, "Let me know how you find the soup."

"Thanks Tina," Blaine said smiling warmly.

After a while Sam sat sheepishly until Blaine started the conversation again.

"You can say it too," Blaine said, "I'm losing my hair."

"It's totally ok dude," Sam said lifting his hands in the air, "I totally think you could rock the Vin Diesel look."

Blaine laughed.

"Actually Sam maybe you could shave it off for me?" Blaine asked.

Sam's eyes widened.

"Really? You'd trust me to do that?"

"Sure," Blaine said smiling and shrugging, "You're my best friend and it would be hard for Kurt to do."

Kurt nodded. He would only worry about accidentally hurting his head. Kurt prepared the bathroom upstairs so Sam could remove the hair carefully. Sam did most of the cutting with trimmers first then his eyes rose as Clarissa popped her head round the bathroom door.

"You guys ok?" she asked nervously, Blaine's hair now very short and in patches.

"Yeah sure mom," Blaine said smiling to show his belief in Sam, "Say goodbye to the hair."

She said nothing, only came closer to kiss Blaine on the forehead and left them alone. Richard joined Kurt in the living room as he tried to watch television to distract himself from the activity upstairs.

"You didn't want to do it yourself?" Richard asked. Kurt kept his eyes on the television screen but shook his head.

"I couldn't," he said, "What if I hurt him?"

"You wouldn't," Richard said simply. They sat in silence for a while, both pretending to watch the mindless game show in front of them.

"How have you been?" he asked after a few minutes. Kurt looked up in surprise.

"I'm ok," he said, "I'm not ill."

"No, I know but it's important you get your rest. Don't put too much on yourself Kurt."

Kurt looked a little annoyed but said nothing. Wasn't it Blaine that was seriously ill? Why did so many people want to know how he was handling it too? He wasn't important now.

Blaine came down behind Sam who carried the razor he had used.

"So how do I look?" Blaine asked, a smile tugging at his face in the hope that his family wouldn't react too badly. He was mostly worried about Kurt who continued to stare at him. "Kurt?"

Kurt's eyes filled with tears but he stood up quickly and hugged Blaine close to him.

"You look beautiful," he said smiling through the tears. It really hit him that Blaine was seriously ill, the treatment so nasty that it caused his hair to fall out. Blaine didn't want the pity, Kurt knew, and he was determined to not show the sadness but it was there nonetheless until Sam started talking about the latest game with Richard and talk turned to a match that was on that evening.

It was only as Kurt and Blaine lay in bed that night that Blaine whispered against Kurt's chest, checking he was ok.

"Of course I'm ok Blaine," Kurt said quietly, "Don't worry about me."

"It was a shock to you though?" Blaine asked.

"Just a little, it made me realize."

"Realize what?"

"That'd I love you no matter what, in fact I think I love you more now than I ever have before. Does that sound silly?"

"No it's just like in 'The Velveteen Rabbit'," Blaine said quietly, "You're like the boy who loved him so hard that he loved all his whiskers off. To him he was always beautiful, and that was all that the little Rabbit cared about. He didn't mind how he looked to other people, because the nursery magic had made him real and he was loved."

Kurt said nothing but clutched Blaine closer to him in the hope that he wouldn't hear or feel the tears pouring down his face and rocked him to sleep in his protective arms.

* * *

**A/N**: I quote 'The Velveteen Rabbit' by Margery Williams in this chapter. Let me know what you think, reviews are very welcome and much needed when I write such sadness. Thanks to those of you that have reviewed :)


	8. Chapter 8

It was starting again though this time Blaine was prepared. He had been given an Aprepitant an hour before chemo as well as Ondansetron to take at home. Kurt had prepared snacks and exquisite lunches, which he knew Blaine would be able to eat. He'd researched and discovered that a liquid diet was best, prepared soups and smoothies for Blaine to take though he could barely taste the difference. He was constantly tired, always pale, though he managed a smile for Kurt or one of the nurses when he was worried they looked concerned. Kurt could see behind the false perseverance and optimism but could offer nothing in return so he smiled too and never gave up hope. He offered what little optimism he could and stayed by his side.

The chemo ward was a strange place to Kurt and in many ways different to Blaine's experience. Though he was much better during the second cycle, Blaine was always battling nausea and could rarely rest. He had been given loads of books and DVDs from friends and family during his many hours attached to a cannula but he was often too tired to concentrate on anything for more than a few minutes. The biggest help was music and he would listen to hours and hours of it in order to while away the time. He would watch movies after chemo when he was tucked away in bed, snuggled up next to Kurt who was often wide awake when Blaine would doze, nothing to occupy Kurt's thoughts other than images of the future.

"He looked exactly the same when he was little, sick and off school," Clarissa said in the doorway to Blaine's room one evening after a full day of chemo. Blaine had been asleep for a few minutes and Kurt hadn't wanted to move in case he woke him accidentally. He smiled at Clarissa's memory. He could well imagine how cute Blaine was as a child and how adorable when ill. Clarissa noticed the sadness in Kurt's smile and sat down at the end of the bed, careful not to disturb a still sleeping Blaine.

"How are you?"

"I'm ok," Kurt whispered. He had long ago stopped being annoyed when others asked how he was and just accepted their caring concern. Clarissa had been such a rock in the house that Kurt almost felt like she was a mother-figure in his own life. Such a horrible experience brought people together. They only wanted the best for Blaine and a shared love created an unbreakable bond.

He looked down at Blaine as he slept peacefully on Kurt's chest and kissed the top of his head.

"He looks peaceful," she said, "I won't go with you tomorrow to the oncologist but will you tell me what he says? Tell me everything." She gave Kurt a pointed stare and Kurt nodded, understanding that she didn't want him to conceal anything.

"Have you seen Burt and Carole recently?" she asked, changing the subject.

"No but we're going for Friday night dinner this week if Blaine is well enough."

"You should go even if Blaine isn't well enough, we can look after him."

"No," he said shaking his head, "I couldn't do that."

She opened her mouth to say something and changed her mind, closing it, though Kurt noticed and continued to look at her until she spoke again.

"Kurt," she began slowly, knowing it was a delicate subject and she wasn't sure how to proceed. "Do you think you've been here too long, spending too much time with Blaine?" His eyes widened and he started to sit up before he realized Blaine was hugged too close. He sat back down though his face displayed his annoyance.

"I don't mean that we don't want you here or that your presence hasn't helped Blaine a lot, we realize that, we really do," she said coming closer so she could make sure Kurt understood her meaning. "But we worry about you." Kurt briefly wondered if she meant her and Richard or whether Burt had spoken to her too. "We don't want you doing too much and putting this all on yourself. You're very young Kurt, it's a lot to take in."

"I know that," he said in annoyance, "But I'm not a child. It would be a lot to take in for anyone and Blaine is young to be suffering in this way. No one wants this, no one would cope well." Kurt was hurt at the implication that he was struggling with this and hoped that Blaine didn't think he couldn't cope either.

"You _are_ coping well Kurt," she said emphatically, her hand coming out to make her point. "You are. We just know that it is a lot to put on one person and we don't want you to crumble in the process. You have a habit of bottling it all up and it's ok, you don't have to be brave in front of us. We know. We understand."

Her voice had gotten quieter, her eyes kind and so expressive that Kurt found himself melting. He knew now where Blaine had gotten that power.

He nodded before he realized his eyes had filled and he pursed his lips together in an effort to keep it together. He failed.

"Oh Kurt." She leaned forward taking his hand as it rested on the duvet and gave it a squeeze.

"I'm not brave," he managed to say; shaking his head as more tears fell down his face. "I'm scared all the time."

"I know sweetie," she said with a sad smile, "So am I."

She looked at her son sleeping on the chest of the man he loved, not realizing the tears that were shed or the heartfelt discussions happening on his bed. He often looked tired and in pain, especially in the chemo ward, but here, in the arms of his beloved, he looked like he was finally at peace, cancer forgotten.

Kurt met her gaze as his eyes lifted from where his fingers were stroking along Blaine's arm.

"You make it just that little bit better for him," she said, her smile causing her eyes to shine, "And for that I love you. Whatever happens," she said, the unsaid thought whizzing through their minds, "Whether your path is different from Blaine's in the future or you're together forever, I will never be able to repay you for that."

She got up gingerly from the bed, determined her son would get all the rest he needed. She took one last look at them both on the bed.

"If you ever need anything Kurt," she said, "And I mean _anything_, please ask. You're family and you need to look after yourself too."

She said a final farewell, hoping that they would both sleep well. Kurt thanked her and turned out the light. No one saw how he clutched Blaine a little tighter and rocked him closer until there were no more tears and his heart ached a little less.

* * *

The meeting with Dr Clarke went well the following day. Blaine quietly explained all the more embarrassing side effects and Kurt held his hand. Dr Clarke said they were normal but as Blaine had mentioned he had flu-like symptoms that day, he prescribed antibiotics in case of infection. Nothing was mentioned about the blood tests that had been taken a few days before and Blaine said nothing until Kurt poked him gently to remind him to ask.

"They show nothing conclusive I'm afraid," Dr Clarke said addressing Blaine directly. "You must remember it is early days and you have only completed one cycle. We will only find out if it has worked after it is all over."

Blaine nodded in acceptance but it wasn't enough for Kurt who sat up straighter.

"But you must know if it is going the way you expect? Surely the markers are lower?"

"Well slightly but not enough to get your hopes up I'm afraid," Dr Clarke said, finally looking at Kurt. "You must understand that the cancer will only respond if we attack it with several cycles. Blaine may need surgery after all."

"So really you know nothing?" Kurt said, standing up in annoyance. Dr Clarke looked like he was going to refute the statement but decided against it.

"Kurt," Blaine said quietly, touching his hand as it rested by his side.

"No Blaine," Kurt said angrily, not wanting to be placated, "If there's nothing else, can we go?" He asked Dr Clarke who nodded.

"I'll see you after this cycle finishes Blaine," he said, "Take it easy."

Blaine nodded and shook the doctor's hand. Kurt had already started to exit, thinking briefly that Blaine was a gentleman even when faced with chemo and cancer.

They were silent in the car as Kurt drove them home. Blaine would occasionally glance in Kurt's direction but Kurt stared resolutely ahead, his expression stern and angry. Blaine brushed his hand along Kurt's thigh, the only thing he knew to help calm him down. When they arrived home, Kurt immediately went to Blaine's room and lay on the bed.

"Blaine?" Clarissa said as soon as she heard the door, "How did it go?"

"As expected really," he said walking back to the kitchen where he could smell pancake batter. "Are you making pancakes?"

"Yeah I thought you might be tempted to eat some if I tried Kurt's special recipe."

"Smells yummy," he said, smiling at her effort to please him despite the fact he felt sick.

"Where's Kurt?"

"Upstairs," Blaine said, avoiding her inquisitive gaze. "I think he feels a little angry."

She nodded as if she expected it and Blaine looked at her in surprise.

"You don't think that's strange?" he asked.

"Well it's understandable," she said preparing a frying pan with the batter and cooking it gently, "What did the doctor actually say?"

"He couldn't say anything really. The treatment is going as expected and he won't be able to tell us if it has worked until the end."

"I see," she said nodding.

"So why is Kurt blaming Dr Clarke?" Blaine asked a little annoyed, "It's not his fault. He's just doing his job."

Clarissa started to flip the pancake then turned around.

"Blaine, when things don't go our way we tend to blame the person that relays the information. Kurt is just blaming Dr Clarke because he has no one else to blame."

"But that doesn't make sense," he said, looking confused.

"It does," she said, smiling kindly, "It's not right but I'm sure Dr Clarke understands that it is nothing personal. Kurt is angry at the situation."

Blaine thought it over and sighed, his shoulders sagging under the weight of it all.

"I hate it all too," he finally said, "But I can't blame anyone. I don't know why this has happened to me, I don't know why cancer chose me but I don't think I did anything to deserve it."

"Of course not," Clarissa exclaimed.

"There is no one to blame," Blaine continued, "I just have to get on with it."

"I know," Kurt suddenly said as he stood by the door to the kitchen. He came closer as Blaine looked up to see Kurt's tear-stained face. "I'm so sorry Blaine, I shouldn't have been so angry in that office, I shouldn't have taken it out on Dr Clarke. I just hate it all, I hate it."

Kurt looked finally defeated but he came closer to hug Blaine close to him in an effort to apologize.

"I know, me too," Blaine said smiling ruefully. "I will get better though." He looked so confident that Kurt just had to ask.

"How do you know?"

"Because God made sure I had you," Blaine said with a little laugh, "He knows that you won't give up fighting even if I sometimes want to."

Clarissa turned around to continue making pancakes so Blaine didn't notice her sudden tears.

"I don't know if I believe in a God that gave you this Blaine," Kurt whispered, coming closer to place his hands around Blaine's face.

"God didn't _give_ me this but we can have that discussion another day," Blaine said smiling that he had his Kurt back. "Now is the time for pancakes."

He managed another smile as his mom turned around with the plate with the first batch. Kurt smiled too. Pancakes might not change the world but they made things a little easier just at that moment. Kurt clutched Blaine's hand as he poured syrup liberally on his plate, not caring about the calorie content for once.

* * *

Movie night was now every night but Moulin Rouge was a film they had always watched and sang along to. The credits were rolling and Kurt was just about to lower them both to lay on their backs in the bed, convinced that Blaine was now sleeping, when Blaine started to speak.

"Do you hate God Kurt?"

Kurt was startled. The question seemed to come out of the blue, his mind ready for sleep too and he sat back up quickly, his back now resting on the headboard.

"Why do you ask that?"

"Because you seemed really angry earlier and I don't think you can really blame Dr Clarke. You must be angry at someone."

Kurt sighed, not knowing where to begin. They'd had brief discussions about beliefs but it had never really bothered either of them before. Kurt had explained his father's heart attack, his friends' desire for him to believe in something if it wasn't God. Kurt hadn't really made up his mind.

"I can't be angry at anyone," Kurt said, "I don't really think God exists."

"Then what has happened to me is random?" Blaine asked.

"Of course," Kurt said slowly, "You don't deserve this, no one does."

"Don't you want to blame someone, take your anger out on someone?"

"I suppose," Kurt said, his eyes darting around the room, trying to fathom what he really thought. "I took it out on Dr Clarke but I know it's not his fault, I know he's part of the cure."

"Exactly," Blaine said, feeling like he'd won a little. "I guess I was never sure what I believed before, now I think I should work it out."

"Why?"

Blaine decided he wouldn't give his reason.

"I do believe though that good comes out of everything," Blaine said instead, "I do believe that God or whoever is up there sent me you. They knew I would need you. I'm not on my own."

Kurt didn't know what to say. He didn't believe in angels, didn't really believe that God sent anyone but if Blaine thought he was a gift then that meant everything.

"If we get through this, then we can get through anything," Blaine said smiling with his eyes, "I just need you."

Kurt could only nod.

"If you can love me with no hair, when I'm being sick, when we can't have fun, well then that shows me someone is looking out for me. Someone knows how much I need you and brought you back to me."

Kurt didn't hold it back anymore; he let the tears fall and enveloped Blaine in a hug so tight that Blaine fell back on the bed.

"Of course I love you, of course I came back," Kurt exclaimed, his voice muffled in Blaine's shoulder.

"Then I really want a happy ending Kurt," Blaine said, moving slightly back. "I don't want a Moulin Rouge ending, I want a happy ending."

Kurt nodded.

"We will have that Blaine, I promise," he said.

"You can't promise that Kurt," Blaine said.

"Yes I can," Kurt said, sitting up straight.

"Dr Clarke said…"

"Who cares what Dr Clarke said," Kurt said, "You will get better."

Blaine was suddenly grateful that Kurt was optimistic when he felt so small and lost and he gave a sad smile.

"Let's get ready for bed," Kurt said, getting up from the bed and walking to Blaine's en suite bathroom. The conversation was at an end in his mind, no need for any more discussion. Blaine was going to get better; he had to.

Kurt reached the bathroom, realized the silence behind him had carried on, and he turned to see Blaine looking at him with such love that it made his eyes sting again. Kurt's quiet voice sang out:

_Seasons may change, winter to spring_

_But I love you, until the end of time_

Blaine smiled and Kurt thought if he saw nothing else but that for the rest of his life, he would be happy. Blaine joined in:

_Come what may, Come what may_

_I will love you, until my dying day_

Kurt came closer, kneeled in front of Blaine on the bed and looked him in the eye as they sang together; a version of a promise.

_And there's no mountain too high, no river too wide_

_Sing out this song and I'll be there by your side_

_Storm clouds may gather,_

_And stars may collide_

_But I love you, _

_I love you_

_Til the end of time, _

_Until the end of time_

Blaine smiled as their voices died away and there was a simple beat of silence until Kurt seemed to realize and his words came out in a breathless rush.

"Marry me."

Blaine's eyes widened. "What?" he spluttered.

"Marry me," Kurt said emphatically, "I mean it Blaine, marry me."

"Now? When I look like this?" Blaine said laughing.

"I don't care when Blaine," Kurt said coming closer and clutching his hands as they rested in front of him. "I just know I need to hear you say yes. Please say you'll marry me."

Blaine sat back, resting his back on the headboard, his eyes darting, his mind racing. Kurt started to look panicked.

"You don't want to marry me?"

"Of course I do," Blaine said realizing his mistake, "But not now Kurt, not when I'm so ill."

"I don't mind when Blaine," Kurt said, "I just need to know it will happen, I need to know you'll be there afterwards."

Blaine's eyes softened.

"Kurt I can't promise that," he said quietly and Kurt's face fell.

"Ok," Kurt said, just a whisper. He got up from the bed and padded lightly to the bathroom.

"Kurt…" Blaine said, the pain evident in his voice. Kurt didn't turn around.

"It's ok Blaine," he said, his voice thick, "We can do all of that afterwards. You _will_ get better." And he closed the bathroom door behind him before he let the tears fall.

* * *

**A/N**: Don't hate me! Kurt's right – it _will_ get better. Thanks for all the reviews – you are all so amazing :)

**Song quoted**:

'Come What May' from Moulin Rouge


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